everything’s not fine and I’m not okay

On Monday, April 9 our perfectly pudgy baby girl is going to have surgery. A ureterostomy, to be specific, which will allow her right kidney to drain out without going to the bladder first. She will have a small hole under her belly where it’ll drain into her diaper.

Her second hole/stoma (we really need to find a better name for it) will solve some issues, and possibly create others. We just don’t know what’s going to happen quite yet. Hopefully she won’t get any more UTI’s. But I’ve found a lot of instances where it has given babies kidney infections, and our doctor has already warned us about it getting clogged and needing to cath her ourselves.

And, well, I’m not okay. Everything is not fine. And that is okay.

It’s the unknown and lack of control that is killing me, making me want to pull my hair out one by one. It’s the unknown that gives me anxiety attacks wondering how I am supposed to care for a sick kid and have a job or a life at the same time. And all of that anxiety and anger quickly turns into guilt when I remember the moms I see in the hospital with kids worse off than Temen. I feel ungrateful. I feel undeserving.

Just today, our nurse at Temen’s primary clinic asked me “Isn’t Dr. [Surgeon] amazing?” I said yes, he is. Because he is. He goes above and beyond to take care of his patients that need him. Then the nurse told me that he sees her son, who has a tumor on his pancreas.

Everyone has their shit, and someone will always have it worse than you. But that doesn’t make it any easier.

When people ask me how we’re doing, I say we’re hopeful. And we are. But we’re also incredibly anxious. We’re worried. We’re confused.

We’re in a season that is testing our faith, patience, strength, parenting, and marriage. But it’s just that, a season. Temporary. All of this is temporary. The not knowing, and even her second hole (seriously, we need a name!), all temporary. All things that we will hopefully look back on and think “well, that happened” with a shrug.

While we wait for that moment, that shrug, can I ask a favor? Can you pray for us? Could you pray that the surgery goes well, that her surgeon has steady hands and recalls all the information he needs, that she isn’t scared, and that our family finds peace, and comfort in His strength? That’s all we need right now. That, and a healthy and happy baby. 

xxoo,

Samm