When I was pregnant, I knew I wanted to breastfeed. People would always ask how long I planned to breastfeed and I would tell them “I really want to make it to six months, but hopefully a year.” The truth is, I wasn’t so convinced it would work out. I knew that people with PCOS typically have supply issues. Be it too much or too little, either one is an issue that causes a lot of women to throw in the towel, understandably so.
A week out of the hospital I didn’t see myself making it to six weeks, let alone six months. Ultimately we soldiered on and I found that I initially did have quite the oversupply. (I have a deep freezer to prove that.) At my six week check-in my OB/GYN didn’t seem too convinced I was going to make it past six months. The fact is, it’s just not super common these days for women to breastfeed to a year. (Something like only 15% of women end up breastfeeding to a year.) Here I am now just about nine months in to exclusively breastfeeding my daughter, with no end in sight.
And I have feelings.
Am I happy I did it? Absolutely. I wouldn’t take it back for anything. Is it hard? It’s one of the hardest thing I’ve ever done. No, I take that back. Breastfeeding my daughter for nine months has been the hardest thing I have ever done. It’s my biggest accomplishment. I think of quitting on a regular basis, but I have one rule that has kept me from quitting: Don’t quit on a bad day. That means when I’m in the middle of a milk blister and feel like razors are coming out of my chest, I can’t decide to quit until it’s all better. By the time I’m out on the other end, everything is okay and I remember why I’m doing it.
Before I started breastfeeding, all I heard about was how beautiful and natural it is. This was incredibly discouraging when I was in the thick of it. I thought something was wrong with me because in the beginning it was anything but beautiful and natural. And, still, I don’t know if I would describe it that way. It is a thousand times easier than it once was – unless she is particularly distracted – but it’s not easy. It’s beautiful in the sense that it saves us money and my body nourishes her body. And, it’s natural the same way taking a shit is natural. Your body knows how to do it, you know how to do it, you have to do it, but it’s not always convenient and it doesn’t always feel good.
That is actually probably the most accurate example of what breastfeeding is like: Pooping. At times messy, at times inconvenient, sometimes it’s painful, sometimes you know something is wrong because of it, but sometimes it’s borderline euphoric. And, at the end of the day you’re glad you did it.
So at nine months that’s where I am. I’m happy I’ve done it. I’m not planning on stopping anytime soon, and I’ve found that I’m a bit of a crazy woman when it comes to breastfeeding. I’m so pro-breastfeeding, because it’s been so rewarding for the two of us. It was a lot of work in the beginning, it still is, but we’ve found our groove.
I’m writing this as my follow up to previous posts about breastfeeding, to document that there is/was light at the end of the tunnel. It’s not always rainbows and puppies, but sometimes at the end of a hard day at work, there is nothing better than laying down next to my baby and nourishing her body with my own.
Also, writing this post made me leak and now I need to go change my shirt.
xxoo,
Samm
She’s such a beautiful, smart, precious nugget! Just like her mom.