My Pandemic Pregnancy

Intentions

We had a pandemic pregnancy without intending to have a pandemic pregnancy. 

We intended to have a baby, of course, but we didn’t exactly go into it eyes wide open and totally aware of what we were walking into. Because while yes, we intended to have a baby, we also intended to have my husband at appointments. We intended for him to be able to see our baby before the birth. We intended for him to not have to wear a mask at the hospital during delivery. We intended to be able to celebrate the pregnancy with family and friends. We intended to have family and friends be able to see and hold the baby after the birth. We intended to have our daughter meet her sister at the hospital. 

We went into this pregnancy unconcerned about a global pandemic. And it thrashed us. Well, me. It thrashed me. It bruised me. It hurt me. And it still does. 

Pandemic Pregnancy Tip #1: Let go of any and all expectations. This won’t be what you expected to be, and things change so quickly during this pandemic. Be adaptable. Be resilient.

Impact

This pandemic impacts different people in different ways. I don’t know how they do it, but some people live their lives as if nothing has changed. If “Ignorance is Bliss” was a poster, they would be the models. I wish I could live my life as though this pandemic has not shifted the entire world on its axis. As if hundreds of thousands of people haven’t died, millions of people haven’t lost friends and loved ones, and even more haven’t been hospitalized or deal with lasting effects even after the fact. I wish I could. Not because I want to be selfish, not because I want to be in denial, not because I want to willfully disregard science and medicine. But because the current reality of our world and of our country is a tough pill to swallow sometimes. 

But we can’t do that. For our family, we’ve been quarantined pretty well since mid-March. We haven’t been in a Target since then. Or a grocery store. Or really anywhere. Except one time I did go to a Michael’s and I’m here to tell you it was invigorating. R’s gone to Home Depot for project stuff. Masked, hand sanitizer at the ready, in and out for things we need around the house. Other than that we have groceries delivered. I disinfect the groceries because apparently I am a little unstable. During the Spring/Summer/early Fall we had people over outside in our backyard, distanced well enough. And by people I mean really few people, and no more than two at a time really. There was one or two times we had people inside, and if I told you we didn’t worry for the entire week afterwards I would be lying. We both work from home. Kids are home with us. We go on walks and to the playground, but miss our playdates. I don’t say this to preach, but to illustrate how quarantined we have been. 

So when I got pregnant, no, we didn’t know this would be our life. Our normal. I can’t say I would have made the same decision had I known. But I probably would have. I just wasn’t emotionally prepared for how hard it would be. 

Pandemic Pregnancy Tip #2: Follow the advice of people who know more than you do. Be alert, be careful, but remain hopeful. This pandemic might impact you more or less than others, regularly check in with yourself and your husband to see where you both are at.

Invisible

When I was first pregnant, I can’t tell you how excited I was. Given my issues in the past, I got pregnant pretty quickly and without any real medical intervention besides Metformin and Provera, and a lot of prayers cried at church and written in my Bible. It was really, really cool. But as the story goes, I didn’t tell many people at first. I wanted to wait until it was “safe”. (I still think this is complete B.S. so I don’t know why I waited.)

Right when it was safe, the pandemic hit. Work closed. We quarantined. And there’s no real good time when everything is in shambles to casually mention you’re pregnant. In the beginning people were glued to their TV screens, it was like a movie. We were all just waiting for the worst. Bracing for impact. There was no sensitive or respectful way to bring up that I was pregnant. So I didn’t. 

My direct boss’s knew I was pregnant but majority of the office did not until I had to tell them I was going on maternity leave. I mention this because in an odd way, a lot of the pregnancy questions and celebration comes from work. The people I see and go to battle with every day. There was none of that this pregnancy. The child growing inside of me seemed invisible. 

I didn’t see friends. I didn’t see anyone at work. It was me and R celebrating the baby alone. No one to ask how I was feeling, no one to ask about movement, no one to tell not to touch my belly, no one to tell me how I looked, no one to tell me their anecdotal stories about their pregnancies. No knowing smiles at the grocery stores. Strangers didn’t ask me how far along or if it was a boy or a girl. The pregnancy went on without most people knowing or caring. 

And it feels weird to say that. 

It feels weird to admit that I wanted people to know and I wanted people to care. That I didn’t want the world to just continue as if I wasn’t pregnant. But it’s true. I wanted people to know and I wanted people to care, because I did. I cared. It’s not like I was the first pregnant woman to exist on this Earth, it’s not like the world revolves around me, nothing should stop for me, but dang if I didn’t want just a little bit of that. 

I didn’t have a shower for my first, but didn’t even have the option of a sprinkle for my second. No sip and see. None of that. 

And it was a grieving process, it still is. This pandemic is nothing but perpetual grief for many people, and this was mine. The worst part is there is no one person I can blame it on, it just is what it is. In a strange way, it makes it worse. I wish I could just sit and stew hating someone for what they’ve done, and not accept that this is just life now. But I can’t. 

Pandemic Pregnancy #3: Tell people you’re pregnant. Mention it to them regularly. They aren’t seeing you, so there is no natural way for them to mention it. It’s important to you and it’s okay for you to want to talk about it. Find ways to celebrate each milestone with your husband or family, you deserve it. 

Isolation

The hardest thing for me was the anatomy scan. The twenty week scan most known for showing if you’re having a boy or a girl. That’s just a bonus though, the real purpose of the anatomy scan is to see if anything is potentially wrong with the baby. They check for heart defects, make sure the brain is developing normally, limbs, kidneys, bladder, stomach, all of it. 

I went alone. I went alone in a mask, with my doctors and nurses in masks. Just like every other appointment.

I don’t think I was worried about heart defects. I wasn’t particularly concerned about the anatomy scan discovering terribly terminal things. I was scared out of my wits that we would find her kidneys were dilated, though. Like, unbearably anxious. I knew that it was something R was worried about. It was what made him hesitant to have another baby to begin with.  Our urologist told us it was very unlikely to happen again, my doctor echoed those sentiments, but I felt an immense pressure to make sure it didn’t. I felt pressure, but I was also terrified myself. What if we had to do it all over again? Who would watch T when we were in the hospital all those nights? Would someone stay home and someone stay in the hospital? I couldn’t bear the thought of it. 

But I did, and I did alone behind a mask. Just like the other women in the OB’s waiting room in the middle of their own pandemic pregnancy. 

Just like I did with all my non-stress tests and biophysical profiles to make sure she was okay when I had gestational hypertension and gestational diabetes. Just like I did when she failed the NST and I was terrified I’d be induced that day. 

And it’s not like he 100% would have been at every appointment if we weren’t in a pandemic. I’ve done this before and I know life happens and people are busy and appointments are quick so why bother. But there was no choice. No discussion. I couldn’t identify important appointments I wanted him to be at, it was just me alone in a room every time. No one to blame.

Pandemic Pregnancy Tip #4: Document everything. I sent pictures of me, of the screens, of the NST print outs, anything I could. If the ultrasound technician will, ask them to print ultrasound pics to share with your family. My technician regularly did 3D scans too, which was incredibly special and I know she was doing to be nice because no one was there with me and we talked about how hard it was.

Imperil

Doing it alone, that was the worst. The thought of somehow contracting COVID – knowing now that pregnant women are more likely to die if they contract it – and leaving my daughter behind? Also awful, but mostly controllable as far as we were concerned. We didn’t even get take out food when I was pregnant except Dairy Queen on Saturday’s a few times and Five Guys once or twice. (Don’t worry, we disinfected the cups and used our own spoons at DQ, and nuked the Five Guys before eating.)

Do we go an extra mile sometimes? Yeah, I’m sure we do. I’m sure 99.99999% of people will be fine not disinfecting their groceries or their fast food cups. But even if we didn’t do these things, everything else would’ve still been the same. Everything would have still been hard. And possibly, even harder if we were one of the unlucky ones that contracted it – or if not doing it just allowed my anxiety to fester, as it likely would. 

Not enough attention is given to the toll that living in a near constant state of fear or vigilance puts on women in the midst of a pandemic pregnancy.  It’s not just for us – but for our babies, for our families. And it is exhausting. Pregnancy and birth is traumatic enough, but pairing that with a global pandemic where you’re explicitly at more risk because you’re pregnant? Forget about it. It’s awful. 

Pandemic Pregnancy Tip #5: Remain vigilant, even when it’s annoying. Even when it’s hard. This is the one thing you can control. At the same time, take care of yourself and your mental health. Be intentional about taking breaks from the pandemic (safely!). Take a bath. Read a book. Eat your favorite dessert in peace. Read your Bible. 

Island

I’m going to end this on a positive, though. Because while everything was awful, it could have been worse. Nothing brings you closer as a family as … constantly being together! In an odd way, it feels how it is meant to be. When I was on maternity leave and R was working from home, it felt normal. It felt like that’s how it should be. I was with the girls, taking care of the house, and he was working but close. He didn’t have to wake up early for a commute to work, we have breakfast, lunch, and dinner together, and there’s no waiting for him to drive home. My last week we got bagels each morning and ate them in his office while he worked. Now, while I work, it’s the same. I’m able to take time, not just to pump but, to nurse during the day. T can run downstairs and show me something she drew. I don’t miss an hour or more away from them every day just sitting in a car. We can have lunch together as a family. My pandemic pregnancy was incredibly protected by our family island. 

Pandemic Pregnancy Tip #6: Enjoy this time as much as you can. It’s a lot of darkness, it’s a lot of pain, but it’s a lot of good. Take advantage of this time with your husband and immediate family. Enjoy each other, enjoy this pregnancy, enjoy life a little slower. 

The pandemic is awful, but this time with family I will never regret. We’re our own little island, working with each other 24/7, eating with each other, we’re closer than ever and I am grateful for that. 

xxoo,
Samm