Hey! This is long love story about safe co-sleeping/bed-sharing, so buckle up or take a jump:
What is co-sleeping?
We co-sleep. We co-sleep hard.
But what does that mean? For me, and for our purposes today, it means bed-sharing. It’s important to note that co-sleeping can mean different things to different people, though. Some people might use this word interchangeably with room-sharing instead, and some people use it when describing the (very dangerous) practice of falling asleep on a couch or chair with your baby. To be clear, I mean bed-sharing. I share a bed with my baby. It is awesome. And I do it safely.
And so do a lot of moms out there! At any given moment, 44% of babies are co-sleeping in America, and that number is significantly higher in other countries. Social media has taught me many things, but one thing it’s taught me is that a lot of moms are secretly breaking the so-called sleep “rules” in order to avoid the mom-shaming. Moms do this with so many things, but in an effort to protect themselves and their hearts, they’re just encouraging the stigma of whatever decision they’ve made for their family. Their silence perpetuates the shame. It’s silly! Every other mammal and primate co-sleeps, and when we dismiss co-sleeping as dangerous we’re losing out on some real benefits (see below), and disregarding the fact that it isn’t co-sleeping that’s dangerous, but the conditions under which co-sleeping happens. We need to normalize safe bed-sharing.
Why do we co-sleep?: The Benefits of Safe Bed-Sharing
Before I had my first daughter, I was convinced I would never co-sleep. I knew the rules. Place baby on his or her back, on a firm surface, alone, without any stuffed animals, blankets, or crib bumpers. Absolutely no co-sleeping whatsoever. Room share until baby is a year ideally, but at least six months. Those were the rules. There was no such thing as safe bed-sharing. To be honest, I judged people who co-slept. I thought they were thoughtless, reckless, and maybe even a little selfish. Either that or they were uninformed, dumb even. (Hey, I’m being honest!)
We had a bassinet and she slept in it a few times, but I started falling asleep with her in bed in the middle of the night while I nursed.
The first time it happened, I woke up in a panic. I had surely killed my baby. After realizing that she was alive and well, comfortable in her mother’s arms, I was relieved but felt a crushing sense of guilt.
I vowed it would never happen again.
Until it did.
And this time I felt even worse! Physically, it was amazing. We were both getting better sleep, she was nursing all she wanted, she was comfortable and safe. Emotionally, I wanted to light something on fire for how reckless I had been.
It wasn’t even the fact that I would fall asleep while nursing her, it was also that she wouldn’t fall asleep anywhere else after that. She needed me, her mother, her safe space, the person who carried her for nine months. She needed me near her.
I turned to the internet to help me, as one does. I knew I couldn’t be the only one going through this. What I found was comforting, and terrifying.
First, I learned that unintentionally falling asleep with your baby is one of the most dangerous things you can do. Even more dangerous if you fall asleep with your baby on a couch or in a chair – those things, those things actually are very dangerous.
Second, I learned that carefully and intentionally planning for co-sleeping made co-sleeping … safe. Even beneficial. Even somewhat protective against the very thing I was terrified of: SIDS.
Here are some articles and links that helped me make the best, most informed, decision for our family when it comes to bed-sharing:
- “Bed-share infants without known risk factors for sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) experience increased maternal touching and looking, increased breastfeeding, and faster and more frequent maternal responses.” SOURCE (In this study, mothers checked on their children more than double the amount of times those who slept separately.)
- “Arousals associated with bed sharing might be protective to infants at risk for SIDS because of a hypothesized arousal deficit. The responsivity of the mother to infant arousals during bed sharing might also be protective.” SOURCE
- Bed-sharing while breastfeeding results in more night sleep for the mother and baby. SOURCE
- This study summarized various studies outlining the risks and benefits of bed-sharing, and pointed out shortcomings of various studies. Namely, it identifies the real issue with some studies that point to bed-sharing as problematic, stating that “It is extremely difficult to draw conclusions from these reports because they were, more often than not, intended to generate, rather than test, hypotheses”. It also found that because of this, there’s yet to be any evidence that convincingly establishes an association between bed-sharing and SIDS for nonsmoking mothers. And it points out that this study found a decreased association between bed sharing and SIDS for mothers who initiated breastfeeding at birth.
- Bed-sharing mothers tend to nurse longer than mothers who sleep separately from their child. (And we know that not only does nursing provide antibodies vital for baby’s immune response to illnesses, but also decreases the likelihood of breast cancer for the mother. The easier, the better!)
So, I took my intuition and everything I had learned and I talked to my husband. We were going to plan to have our baby sleep with us every night. Every night he should expect the baby to be in the bed at some point. Every night we should arrange our pillows and blankets accordingly, every night we would plan to make the bed safe for the baby.
And we did that for ten months before she was ready to be night weaned.
It was glorious.
We experienced less nighttime crying, it was easier for me to meet her needs overnight, it facilitated bonding (a real biological response to one another!), my milk supply was maintained, and I got all the baby cuddles in the world.
Again, for us, it was glorious. It was so special and so wonderful for us as a family, we’re doing it again with our second daughter.
How can you make co-sleeping safe?
Like I said earlier, co-sleeping isn’t inherently unsafe. How you co-sleep makes all the difference. Sleeping on a couch or chair? Absolutely not safe. Sleeping with blankets and pillows? Unsafe. Smoking? Unsafe. Not nursing? Not as safe. Taking medications that alter your arousal response? Not safe. Drinking? Not safe.
So how can we make bed-sharing safe? How can we do it right? This is not an exhaustive list, or medical advice by any means, but a pretty solid starting point:
- Plan on it. Discuss it with your partner, make sure you both are on the same page and make the proper arrangements each night.
- Don’t smoke. Don’t drink. Don’t do drugs. Be boring, ladies. It saves lives.
- Remove unnecessary blankets and pillows, and keep the blankets well away from your baby’s face. I keep one pillow under my head, but I keep my head on the edge so even if by some miracle she scooted up without me noticing, she wouldn’t be on the pillow. Blankets stay at my waist when I’m holding her.
- Mind the gaps. Pay attention to any gaps your bed may have between the headboard and the mattress, or walls. Baby should be far, far away from them, but pack them closed anyways.
- Breastfeed. This isn’t a statement on formula versus breastfeeding in general, but bed-sharing specifically, and in this situation breastfeeding is best. Babies tend to stay faced towards the breast, and stay on the breast, which means less wiggling up and away and a more responsive mother.
- Keep it light. Don’t swaddle the baby, and keep their clothing light. Body heat, y’all. They can’t get too warm.
- Baby’s right. Baby should be 37+ weeks and healthy.
- Put the phone charger away. No cords should be in the bed.
- Keep others out. Keep out other children and pets, it should be you, your baby, and your spouse. That’s it.
- Get rest. If you’re too exhausted, you might have delayed responses. This isn’t just normal newborn exhaustion, but like real exhaustion. Real, awful, fall asleep at your desk type of exhaustion – does not make for safe sleep with a baby.
- OPTIONAL: Use a co-sleeper. If it tickles your fancy, get a dedicated co-sleeper like a DockATot. We have one and love it! We used it with our first and use it with our second. (We’re full time co-sleepers this time around, so she starts her night in the DockATot and in the middle of the night after her first nursing session sleeps in my arms the rest of the night.)
(For more information about safe bed-sharing, visit La Leche League here.)
It’s not that hard, it’s not that mysterious. It can be safe, if you and your family want to bed-share and are able to take the proper precautions. It’s not for everyone! Not everything is. But despite a lot of moms never intending on bed-sharing, statistics show that majority of them will do it at least once. So be prepared, and be safe about it.
Most of all – be informed, and normalize safe bed-sharing.
xxoo,
Samm
Leave a Reply