motherhood Archives | Dysfunctional Ever After

Normalize Safe Bed-sharing

Hey! This is long love story about safe co-sleeping/bed-sharing, so buckle up or take a jump:

What is co-sleeping?
Why do we co-sleep? What are the benefits?
How can you co-sleep safely?

What is co-sleeping?

But what does that mean? For me, and for our purposes today, it means bed-sharing. It’s important to note that co-sleeping can mean different things to different people, though. Some people might use this word interchangeably with room-sharing instead, and some people use it when describing the (very dangerous) practice of falling asleep on a couch or chair with your baby. To be clear, I mean bed-sharing. I share a bed with my baby. It is awesome. And I do it safely.

safe bedsharing

And so do a lot of moms out there! At any given moment, 44% of babies are co-sleeping in America, and that number is significantly higher in other countries. Social media has taught me many things, but one thing it’s taught me is that a lot of moms are secretly breaking the so-called sleep “rules” in order to avoid the mom-shaming. Moms do this with so many things, but in an effort to protect themselves and their hearts, they’re just encouraging the stigma of whatever decision they’ve made for their family. Their silence perpetuates the shame. It’s silly! Every other mammal and primate co-sleeps, and when we dismiss co-sleeping as dangerous we’re losing out on some real benefits (see below), and disregarding the fact that it isn’t co-sleeping that’s dangerous, but the conditions under which co-sleeping happens. We need to normalize safe bed-sharing.

Why do we co-sleep?: The Benefits of Safe Bed-Sharing

Before I had my first daughter, I was convinced I would never co-sleep. I knew the rules. Place baby on his or her back, on a firm surface, alone, without any stuffed animals, blankets, or crib bumpers. Absolutely no co-sleeping whatsoever. Room share until baby is a year ideally, but at least six months. Those were the rules. There was no such thing as safe bed-sharing. To be honest, I judged people who co-slept. I thought they were thoughtless, reckless, and maybe even a little selfish. Either that or they were uninformed, dumb even. (Hey, I’m being honest!)

Then I had a baby.

We had a bassinet and she slept in it a few times, but I started falling asleep with her in bed in the middle of the night while I nursed.

The first time it happened, I woke up in a panic. I had surely killed my baby. After realizing that she was alive and well, comfortable in her mother’s arms, I was relieved but felt a crushing sense of guilt.

I vowed it would never happen again.

Until it did.

And this time I felt even worse! Physically, it was amazing. We were both getting better sleep, she was nursing all she wanted, she was comfortable and safe. Emotionally, I wanted to light something on fire for how reckless I had been.

safe bedsharing baby

It wasn’t even the fact that I would fall asleep while nursing her, it was also that she wouldn’t fall asleep anywhere else after that. She needed me, her mother, her safe space, the person who carried her for nine months. She needed me near her.

I turned to the internet to help me, as one does. I knew I couldn’t be the only one going through this. What I found was comforting, and terrifying.

First, I learned that unintentionally falling asleep with your baby is one of the most dangerous things you can do. Even more dangerous if you fall asleep with your baby on a couch or in a chair – those things, those things actually are very dangerous.

Second, I learned that carefully and intentionally planning for co-sleeping made co-sleeping … safe. Even beneficial. Even somewhat protective against the very thing I was terrified of: SIDS.

Here are some articles and links that helped me make the best, most informed, decision for our family when it comes to bed-sharing:

“Bed-share infants without known risk factors for sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS) experience increased maternal touching and looking, increased breastfeeding, and faster and more frequent maternal responses.” SOURCE (In this study, mothers checked on their children more than double the amount of times those who slept separately.)
“Arousals associated with bed sharing might be protective to infants at risk for SIDS because of a hypothesized arousal deficit. The responsivity of the mother to infant arousals during bed sharing might also be protective.” SOURCE
Bed-sharing while breastfeeding results in more night sleep for the mother and baby. SOURCE
This study summarized various studies outlining the risks and benefits of bed-sharing, and pointed out shortcomings of various studies. Namely, it identifies the real issue with some studies that point to bed-sharing as problematic, stating that “It is extremely difficult to draw conclusions from these reports because they were, more often than not, intended to generate, rather than test, hypotheses”. It also found that because of this, there’s yet to be any evidence that convincingly establishes an association between bed-sharing and SIDS for nonsmoking mothers. And it points out that this study found a decreased association between bed sharing and SIDS for mothers who initiated breastfeeding at birth.
Bed-sharing mothers tend to nurse longer than mothers who sleep separately from their child. (And we know that not only does nursing provide antibodies vital for baby’s immune response to illnesses, but also decreases the likelihood of breast cancer for the mother. The easier, the better!)

So, I took my intuition and everything I had learned and I talked to my husband. We were going to plan to have our baby sleep with us every night. Every night he should expect the baby to be in the bed at some point. Every night we should arrange our pillows and blankets accordingly, every night we would plan to make the bed safe for the baby.

And we did that for ten months before she was ready to be night weaned.

It was glorious.

We experienced less nighttime crying, it was easier for me to meet her needs overnight, it facilitated bonding (a real biological response to one another!), my milk supply was maintained, and I got all the baby cuddles in the world.

Again, for us, it was glorious. It was so special and so wonderful for us as a family, we’re doing it again with our second daughter.

Safe Bedsharing Time in Bed

How can you make co-sleeping safe?

Like I said earlier, co-sleeping isn’t inherently unsafe. How you co-sleep makes all the difference. Sleeping on a couch or chair? Absolutely not safe. Sleeping with blankets and pillows? Unsafe. Smoking? Unsafe. Not nursing? Not as safe. Taking medications that alter your arousal response? Not safe. Drinking? Not safe.

So how can we make bed-sharing safe? How can we do it right? This is not an exhaustive list, or medical advice by any means, but a pretty solid starting point:

Plan on it. Discuss it with your partner, make sure you both are on the same page and make the proper arrangements each night.
Don’t smoke. Don’t drink. Don’t do drugs. Be boring, ladies. It saves lives.
Remove unnecessary blankets and pillows, and keep the blankets well away from your baby’s face. I keep one pillow under my head, but I keep my head on the edge so even if by some miracle she scooted up without me noticing, she wouldn’t be on the pillow. Blankets stay at my waist when I’m holding her.
Mind the gaps. Pay attention to any gaps your bed may have between the headboard and the mattress, or walls. Baby should be far, far away from them, but pack them closed anyways.
Breastfeed. This isn’t a statement on formula versus breastfeeding in general, but bed-sharing specifically, and in this situation breastfeeding is best. Babies tend to stay faced towards the breast, and stay on the breast, which means less wiggling up and away and a more responsive mother.
Keep it light. Don’t swaddle the baby, and keep their clothing light. Body heat, y’all. They can’t get too warm.
Baby’s right. Baby should be 37+ weeks and healthy.
Put the phone charger away. No cords should be in the bed.
Keep others out. Keep out other children and pets, it should be you, your baby, and your spouse. That’s it.
Get rest. If you’re too exhausted, you might have delayed responses. This isn’t just normal newborn exhaustion, but like real exhaustion. Real, awful, fall asleep at your desk type of exhaustion – does not make for safe sleep with a baby.
OPTIONAL: Use a co-sleeper. If it tickles your fancy, get a dedicated co-sleeper like a DockATot. We have one and love it! We used it with our first and use it with our second. (We’re full time co-sleepers this time around, so she starts her night in the DockATot and in the middle of the night after her first nursing session sleeps in my arms the rest of the night.)

(For more information about safe bed-sharing, visit La Leche League here.)

It’s not that hard, it’s not that mysterious. It can be safe, if you and your family want to bed-share and are able to take the proper precautions. It’s not for everyone! Not everything is. But despite a lot of moms never intending on bed-sharing, statistics show that majority of them will do it at least once. So be prepared, and be safe about it.

Most of all – be informed, and normalize safe bed-sharing.

xxoo,
Samm

My Pandemic Pregnancy

family, motherhood

Intentions

We had a pandemic pregnancy without intending to have a pandemic pregnancy.

We intended to have a baby, of course, but we didn’t exactly go into it eyes wide open and totally aware of what we were walking into. Because while yes, we intended to have a baby, we also intended to have my husband at appointments. We intended for him to be able to see our baby before the birth. We intended for him to not have to wear a mask at the hospital during delivery. We intended to be able to celebrate the pregnancy with family and friends. We intended to have family and friends be able to see and hold the baby after the birth. We intended to have our daughter meet her sister at the hospital.

We went into this pregnancy unconcerned about a global pandemic. And it thrashed us. Well, me. It thrashed me. It bruised me. It hurt me. And it still does.

Pandemic Pregnancy Tip #1: Let go of any and all expectations. This won’t be what you expected to be, and things change so quickly during this pandemic. Be adaptable. Be resilient.

Impact

This pandemic impacts different people in different ways. I don’t know how they do it, but some people live their lives as if nothing has changed. If “Ignorance is Bliss” was a poster, they would be the models. I wish I could live my life as though this pandemic has not shifted the entire world on its axis. As if hundreds of thousands of people haven’t died, millions of people haven’t lost friends and loved ones, and even more haven’t been hospitalized or deal with lasting effects even after the fact. I wish I could. Not because I want to be selfish, not because I want to be in denial, not because I want to willfully disregard science and medicine. But because the current reality of our world and of our country is a tough pill to swallow sometimes.

But we can’t do that. For our family, we’ve been quarantined pretty well since mid-March. We haven’t been in a Target since then. Or a grocery store. Or really anywhere. Except one time I did go to a Michael’s and I’m here to tell you it was invigorating. R’s gone to Home Depot for project stuff. Masked, hand sanitizer at the ready, in and out for things we need around the house. Other than that we have groceries delivered. I disinfect the groceries because apparently I am a little unstable. During the Spring/Summer/early Fall we had people over outside in our backyard, distanced well enough. And by people I mean really few people, and no more than two at a time really. There was one or two times we had people inside, and if I told you we didn’t worry for the entire week afterwards I would be lying. We both work from home. Kids are home with us. We go on walks and to the playground, but miss our playdates. I don’t say this to preach, but to illustrate how quarantined we have been.

So when I got pregnant, no, we didn’t know this would be our life. Our normal. I can’t say I would have made the same decision had I known. But I probably would have. I just wasn’t emotionally prepared for how hard it would be.

Pandemic Pregnancy Tip #2: Follow the advice of people who know more than you do. Be alert, be careful, but remain hopeful. This pandemic might impact you more or less than others, regularly check in with yourself and your husband to see where you both are at.

Invisible

When I was first pregnant, I can’t tell you how excited I was. Given my issues in the past, I got pregnant pretty quickly and without any real medical intervention besides Metformin and Provera, and a lot of prayers cried at church and written in my Bible. It was really, really cool. But as the story goes, I didn’t tell many people at first. I wanted to wait until it was “safe”. (I still think this is complete B.S. so I don’t know why I waited.)

Right when it was safe, the pandemic hit. Work closed. We quarantined. And there’s no real good time when everything is in shambles to casually mention you’re pregnant. In the beginning people were glued to their TV screens, it was like a movie. We were all just waiting for the worst. Bracing for impact. There was no sensitive or respectful way to bring up that I was pregnant. So I didn’t.

My direct boss’s knew I was pregnant but majority of the office did not until I had to tell them I was going on maternity leave. I mention this because in an odd way, a lot of the pregnancy questions and celebration comes from work. The people I see and go to battle with every day. There was none of that this pregnancy. The child growing inside of me seemed invisible.

I didn’t see friends. I didn’t see anyone at work. It was me and R celebrating the baby alone. No one to ask how I was feeling, no one to ask about movement, no one to tell not to touch my belly, no one to tell me how I looked, no one to tell me their anecdotal stories about their pregnancies. No knowing smiles at the grocery stores. Strangers didn’t ask me how far along or if it was a boy or a girl. The pregnancy went on without most people knowing or caring.

And it feels weird to say that.

It feels weird to admit that I wanted people to know and I wanted people to care. That I didn’t want the world to just continue as if I wasn’t pregnant. But it’s true. I wanted people to know and I wanted people to care, because I did. I cared. It’s not like I was the first pregnant woman to exist on this Earth, it’s not like the world revolves around me, nothing should stop for me, but dang if I didn’t want just a little bit of that.

I didn’t have a shower for my first, but didn’t even have the option of a sprinkle for my second. No sip and see. None of that.

And it was a grieving process, it still is. This pandemic is nothing but perpetual grief for many people, and this was mine. The worst part is there is no one person I can blame it on, it just is what it is. In a strange way, it makes it worse. I wish I could just sit and stew hating someone for what they’ve done, and not accept that this is just life now. But I can’t.

Pandemic Pregnancy #3: Tell people you’re pregnant. Mention it to them regularly. They aren’t seeing you, so there is no natural way for them to mention it. It’s important to you and it’s okay for you to want to talk about it. Find ways to celebrate each milestone with your husband or family, you deserve it.

Isolation

The hardest thing for me was the anatomy scan. The twenty week scan most known for showing if you’re having a boy or a girl. That’s just a bonus though, the real purpose of the anatomy scan is to see if anything is potentially wrong with the baby. They check for heart defects, make sure the brain is developing normally, limbs, kidneys, bladder, stomach, all of it.

I went alone. I went alone in a mask, with my doctors and nurses in masks. Just like every other appointment.

I don’t think I was worried about heart defects. I wasn’t particularly concerned about the anatomy scan discovering terribly terminal things. I was scared out of my wits that we would find her kidneys were dilated, though. Like, unbearably anxious. I knew that it was something R was worried about. It was what made him hesitant to have another baby to begin with. Our urologist told us it was very unlikely to happen again, my doctor echoed those sentiments, but I felt an immense pressure to make sure it didn’t. I felt pressure, but I was also terrified myself. What if we had to do it all over again? Who would watch T when we were in the hospital all those nights? Would someone stay home and someone stay in the hospital? I couldn’t bear the thought of it.

But I did, and I did alone behind a mask. Just like the other women in the OB’s waiting room in the middle of their own pandemic pregnancy.

Just like I did with all my non-stress tests and biophysical profiles to make sure she was okay when I had gestational hypertension and gestational diabetes. Just like I did when she failed the NST and I was terrified I’d be induced that day.

And it’s not like he 100% would have been at every appointment if we weren’t in a pandemic. I’ve done this before and I know life happens and people are busy and appointments are quick so why bother. But there was no choice. No discussion. I couldn’t identify important appointments I wanted him to be at, it was just me alone in a room every time. No one to blame.

Pandemic Pregnancy Tip #4: Document everything. I sent pictures of me, of the screens, of the NST print outs, anything I could. If the ultrasound technician will, ask them to print ultrasound pics to share with your family. My technician regularly did 3D scans too, which was incredibly special and I know she was doing to be nice because no one was there with me and we talked about how hard it was.

Imperil

Doing it alone, that was the worst. The thought of somehow contracting COVID – knowing now that pregnant women are more likely to die if they contract it – and leaving my daughter behind? Also awful, but mostly controllable as far as we were concerned. We didn’t even get take out food when I was pregnant except Dairy Queen on Saturday’s a few times and Five Guys once or twice. (Don’t worry, we disinfected the cups and used our own spoons at DQ, and nuked the Five Guys before eating.)

Do we go an extra mile sometimes? Yeah, I’m sure we do. I’m sure 99.99999% of people will be fine not disinfecting their groceries or their fast food cups. But even if we didn’t do these things, everything else would’ve still been the same. Everything would have still been hard. And possibly, even harder if we were one of the unlucky ones that contracted it – or if not doing it just allowed my anxiety to fester, as it likely would.

Not enough attention is given to the toll that living in a near constant state of fear or vigilance puts on women in the midst of a pandemic pregnancy. It’s not just for us – but for our babies, for our families. And it is exhausting. Pregnancy and birth is traumatic enough, but pairing that with a global pandemic where you’re explicitly at more risk because you’re pregnant? Forget about it. It’s awful.

Pandemic Pregnancy Tip #5: Remain vigilant, even when it’s annoying. Even when it’s hard. This is the one thing you can control. At the same time, take care of yourself and your mental health. Be intentional about taking breaks from the pandemic (safely!). Take a bath. Read a book. Eat your favorite dessert in peace. Read your Bible.

Island

I’m going to end this on a positive, though. Because while everything was awful, it could have been worse. Nothing brings you closer as a family as … constantly being together! In an odd way, it feels how it is meant to be. When I was on maternity leave and R was working from home, it felt normal. It felt like that’s how it should be. I was with the girls, taking care of the house, and he was working but close. He didn’t have to wake up early for a commute to work, we have breakfast, lunch, and dinner together, and there’s no waiting for him to drive home. My last week we got bagels each morning and ate them in his office while he worked. Now, while I work, it’s the same. I’m able to take time, not just to pump but, to nurse during the day. T can run downstairs and show me something she drew. I don’t miss an hour or more away from them every day just sitting in a car. We can have lunch together as a family. My pandemic pregnancy was incredibly protected by our family island.

Pandemic Pregnancy Tip #6: Enjoy this time as much as you can. It’s a lot of darkness, it’s a lot of pain, but it’s a lot of good. Take advantage of this time with your husband and immediate family. Enjoy each other, enjoy this pregnancy, enjoy life a little slower.

The pandemic is awful, but this time with family I will never regret. We’re our own little island, working with each other 24/7, eating with each other, we’re closer than ever and I am grateful for that.

xxoo,
Samm

K’s Birth Story

family, motherhood

Well guys, we did it again. We had another baby. A pandemic baby. More on that later.

The Pregnancy

My gut reaction is to say that this pregnancy was easy, because looking back it felt easy. But it wasn’t without its challenges. Namely, gestational diabetes and once again gestational hypertension. Of course “morning” sickness too. But compared to the anxiety I had my last pregnancy? This one felt easy. With the gestational diabetes I had the luxury of pricking my finger to check my glucose levels four times a day, ditching all things carbohydrates, and injecting myself with something like 36 units of insulin each night before bed. With the gestational hypertension, I bought myself weekly biophyisical’s, NST’s, another 37 week induction. I told you, easy.

I was ready to be induced again. Not because I wanted the pregnancy to end, but because I knew what to expect with an induction. I knew the time, place, and process. I am a worrier, so knowing these things are incredibly helpful for my anxiety and dark Google spirals.

The Labor

We checked in to the birth center at 7:30AM. Our nurse checked me and said I was at one and a half, mayyyybe two centimeters dilated. She also said my cervix was thick and high, so we talked about my options for cervical ripening. Now, I didn’t have any ripening for my first induction, so I was very anxious about doing that. And by anxious I mean pissed. I thought for sure I would be farther along with this pregnancy because it was my second and I had been having contractions for a while already. The nurse apparently did not agree.

While we waited for the OB/GYN to come talk to me about ripening, our nurse gets me hooked up to the baby monitor. Unfortunately she had no such luck getting her on the monitor so brings in another nurse to give it a shot. She has better luck than our first, but they opt to go with the wireless monitor anyways. I’m here to tell you that if you have the option of the wireless monitor or the regular monitor, go with the wireless monitor!! It is so much more comfortable and just means you have less cords attached to you. The wireless monitor made it much easier to get up and walk around, and move around in the bed. That’s my pitch for the day.

The OB/GYN comes to check on me and tells me she thinks I’m actually three centimeters, 60% effaced, and high. She recommends we go straight to pitocin and I thank the Lord for hearing my ~~whining~~ prayers. We talk about epidural and she tells me to just make sure I get it before she breaks my water in four hours.

So the pitocin starts at about 10:15AM and is increased about every 45 minutes. At about 12:45PM my contractions were 2-3 minutes apart but bearable. I found myself really conflicted about what to do with the epidural because at that point I didn’t think I needed one, and felt like I could hold out a bit longer. But I also didn’t want to delay her breaking my waters. I tell my nurse about my concerns and she talks to the doctor who is basically like let me know when you want an epidural and we’ll break it after that. No pressure.

1:50PM came around and the contractions were less bearable. I wrote in my notes “I think this is where I lose it”. The nurse checks me again at 2PM and I’m four centimeters, 70% effaced. We talk about an epidural again and I tell her I can hold off. Ryan is telling me just to get it because I know I want it, but I want to hold off as long as I can because it seemed to slow things a little bit during my last delivery. The contractions are not great but I can breathe through them a bit better if I’m standing. The problem is that I can’t stand all day long.

At 3:30PM the contractions have officially hit my back and it’s difficult to breath through them. I make the decision to order lunch, eat, and then get the epidural. My last meal, if you will. I remember standing over the table, swinging my hips back and forth, eating a pita sandwich. Waiting until I was able to have a last meal was a great decision, but I was in a lot of pain.

The anesthesiologist rolls in at 5PM and he is all business. He seems super confident and like this is no big deal, which I know it isn’t, but hello it is to me because I’m sitting here contracting and have to hold in place for a certain amount of time and also you’re putting a catheter in my spine. It’s pretty uneventful except me continually telling everyone I was anxious and I didn’t like it. The CRNA came in towards the end and was much more comforting and talked through things a bit more.

Last time the epidural wore off really quickly and stopped working. This time, I am happy to report that it worked. Although it did make me incredibly itchy just like last time. Like, unbearably itchy. Like, do I prefer contractions or for my whole body to itch? Close call.

At 6:20PM my waters are broken. At this time I was four and a half or five centimeters dilated, super soft paper thin cervix, and baby came down a little but not a lot from earlier. My blood pressure was checked very regularly and at this time my BP was in the 160’s. The OB was there and said if it happened again in 15 minutes they’d have to diagnose me with severe preeclampsia. In 15 minutes it was 148/80 something which was apparently fine .

At 7:57PM I wrote in my notes “for about the past hour or so baby has had decelerations, so they just keep repositioning me”. The new nurse started setting up all the delivery stuff, including the baby warmer. I laughed and asked her if we would be having a baby that soon and she said “for sure by midnight”. This check in with the nurse, at 7:57PM was also when I told her I was feeling more stuff towards my lower abdomen/pelvic area. She asked me if it was pain or pressure and I just kind of shrugged and told her I didn’t know. It was hard to tell.

The Birth

At 7:59PM I write in my notes “IT’S PRESSURE” and immediately yell at Ryan to get the nurse. He was in the bathroom, and it happened so quickly and was so intense that I got very upset with him for taking the time to wash his hands. This is where I start to black out a little bit.

I immediately start crying/moaning/shouting in pain. I don’t know if Ryan got the nurse or she just heard me, but I think he called her on the phone. She came in immediately and another nurse quickly followed her and I heard our nurse tell her to get the doctor. At this point I am hanging on for dear life to the bedrail crying “it’s pressure! it’s pressure! I need to push!” The nurse is urging me to hold on for the doctor and I’m telling her again that I need to push. I’m sobbing and not breathing so she keeps telling me I need to take deep breaths for the baby – this is the only thing that helped me, knowing I needed to breath for the baby. I still screamed and cried but at least I was taking deep breaths in between.

The doctor came in very quickly, but everyone kept telling me still not to push because she needed to put on her gloves. Joke is on them because at this point my body was basically pushing the baby out for me. As soon as the bottom of the bed broke off and they said I could push, I did. And I pushed maybe two times.

K was born at 8:05PM.

(Reminder that I wrote in my notes at 7:59PM that it was pressure.)

The After

It happened so quickly, and was so intense that it took me the entire hospital stay to wrap my head around what just happened. I couldn’t stop telling everyone “this happened so quick. That was so fast.” My first was also a quick delivery, with just 1-2 pushes too. But because the labor seemed rather quick too, it was just all a little overwhelming.

She was 7lb 7oz, so just a little smaller than her sister. I was super concerned about her potentially needing time in NICU because of the gestational diabetes and being born a little early – 37 weeks isn’t too early, but paired with the gestational diabetes could potentially make her more likely to have low blood sugar – but she didn’t. Her blood sugars were a bit up and down for a while, but eventually evened out after getting some formula and a gel. She was also just a little jaundiced, but not enough that it required phototherapy like our first.

Anyways. She’s here now, and it’s wild. No one prepares you to have a baby during a pandemic. She’s a month old and I love her more than I thought I could or would. After all, how could I love anything as much as I loved my first daughter? Turns out it is possible.

xxoo,

Samm

Normalize Safe Bed-sharing

What is co-sleeping?

Why do we co-sleep?: The Benefits of Safe Bed-Sharing

How can you make co-sleeping safe?