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15 Things my daughter taught me in 15 months

1. Make it count.

Temen is fifteen months old. I’m a reasonably intelligent woman and understand how time works. Seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years… But I still have no idea how it happened so fast. I don’t know where all the time went or why I didn’t take advantage of every weekend we had together, packing it full of adventures. I eventually learned why lesson, putting it on this list, but it was a long time coming.

And forget adventure for a minute. Let’s talk about couching, let’s talk about snuggling and going on walks around the park. I get two hours a night with my daughter. Two hours to get home, make dinner, eat dinner, hang out, and put her to bed. It’s not enough time, but I need to make it count. I need to streamline my home life as best I can, which is why I refuse to grocery shop. I’m not going to waste a night going to the grocery store when I could spend that time with my baby. Enter Shipt, basically the Uber of grocery shopping. You use their app to pick which grocery store you want them to shop at, pick what you want, someone goes and shops for you and delivers it to your house. Hi. You’re welcome. (Use this link and get $10 back when you sign up with Shipt: https://www.shipt.com/groceries/?r=C15F91B)

2. Get back up.

The number of times I have watched a baby, my baby, fall and get back up is just baffling. A lot of stumbling to crawl, and then to walk. A lot of falling on her butt just to smile and stand back up. That’s all normal baby stuff, and it still amazes me. But what amazes me more is every time she’s been in the hospital sick, she gets back up. She moves on. She will let you know she doesn’t want to be touched or poked, but immediately moves on once it’s over. It’s embarrassing that I let myself wallow for so long about things, as an adult, and yet she is just like “no, I got this”. She’s strong, she get’s back up.

3. Crying is okay.

(One caveat here: Crying is okay if it is authentic. Crying for attention or to manipulate the emotions of those around you is not okay.)

Crying is a normal human reaction to certain emotions. Let it happen, then let it go. Don’t expect people to bend to your whim when you cry, but cry, let it happen, and move on. Feel your feelings and feel them fiercely, it’s what makes you human.

4. I am beautiful.

The idea that Temen could ever think she is anything other than beautiful is heartbreaking and infuriating. No, it’s stupid. It’s moronic. I’m all for snark and sass, but after manufacturing a human of my own I have never been more sure in my life that everyone (ugh, everyone) is beautiful in their own way. Physical appearance is basically meaningless, because we’re all freaking goddesses. And if I truly believe that, then I guess that means I’m a beautiful goddess too.

5. My body is a boss.

Maybe this would be better labeled item 4.5, but either way, hello, hi, I made a human. Piss me off and I will just create a army with my body to overthrow you, husband. I made a person, delivered a person, and I feed her with my body.

Even if we put duplicating aside and even if we don’t count that as one a super human power, you know what we can include? The presence of my physical body provides comfort to another human. Feeling my skin, my heartbeat, smelling me, provides almost instant relief to Temen when she is upset or hurt. That’s amazing. My body has done so much for me, my daughter, and our family, I can never stand to hate it again.

The human body is a boss. Temen has had her urinary tract totally rerouted to avoid her bladder and come out of a hole in her body. I mean, seriously. That sounds insane and yet the body just goes with it. Now she’s scheduled to get everything re-attached and will live her life as if nothing happened. That’s boss.

6. Be patient.

I don’t get to work on my own schedule with a kid. I work in two hour chunks, I work around meals and naps and diaper changes. I can’t get everything done in a day that I might want to. I can’t get everything I want to get right away because daycare.

And let’s not forget all the “milestones” everyone is supposed to achieve by a certain time. When Temen wasn’t hitting her milestones, I panicked. Eventually it would come, but I just needed to wait. I learned that everything comes in good timing and I need to be patient. Whatever Temen was going to do, she would do on her own time.

7. Think outside the box.

You want to know why we get bored? Because we’re unwilling to look at things from a different perspective. Temen, like any other baby, grabs an item and has no idea what it is or what it is supposed to do so makes what she wants of it. While I’m cooking I will throw a whisk and a strainer on the floor for her to play with and she’s entertained for a solid ten minutes.

I’m not saying we all need to be entertained by a whisk and a strainer, but we need to start thinking outside the box. Look at things from a different perspective, get creative, find out imagination.

8. Get off your phone.

Get off your phone and smell the freaking roses. The amount of guilt I feel when I am on the couch browsing Twitter and my daughter is playing with her toys on the floor is… minimal. BUT, the amount of guilt I feel when I’m on my phone and Temen has to try two or three times to get my attention is … a lot.

I don’t ever want Temen to think I’m prioritizing my phone and the people on the screen ahead of her. I don’t want to miss anything because I’m busy feeling my blood pressure increase with every tweet that goes past my screen. So, I make the effort to be on my phone less.

9. My relationship with food is unhealthy.

I don’t know if this is something that Temen taught me as much as it’s something Temen reminded me. Watching a child learn to eat is crazy. They aren’t eating out of boredom, they aren’t eating for emotional reasons, they’re just hungry. They’re eating to survive. Yes, I can eat foods I enjoy, but it’s important I remember that food is a life source for me.

10. Explore more.

Do more. See more. Explore more. Expand your horizons. Do I need to explain this? I mean, seriously, get out there. Live your life. Temen sees an apple and her mind is blown. She is in awe of crowds of people. She is learning more about her surroundings every outing we go on. Seeing new people, places, and things.

11. It’s on us.

I had a lot of fear and distain surrounding rape culture before I had a daughter. Now that I have a daughter I realize more than ever that we all need to get out shit together. If my daughter faces even half of the shit I’ve had to face in my life so far, I will burn this place down.

We have the opportunity right now to do right by women. To say that none of this is okay. To say it needs to end, to make it end. We have the opportunity to hold men accountable. We have the opportunity to stop making excuses for men that we love who do bad things. It’s on us to make sure that the “#metoo movement” actually moves us forward.

12. Drink more water.

There’s nothing like pregnancy, breastfeeding, and a kid who can’t fend for themselves to remind you how important hydration is. It’s almost as if our life depends on it…

13. Put on your mask before helping others.

I make no apologies for when I need a break. I make no apologies for doing what I need to do to be a whole person for me and my family. If I don’t take care of myself, I can’t take care of my family. Simple as that. Sleep deprivation teaches you this one real quick.

So sleep when you need to sleep. Lock yourself in the bathroom when you need to lock yourself in the bathroom. Put in your headphones when you need to zone out. Schedule a massage. Get a manicure. Watch a movie by yourself. Recharge, because you aren’t going to be the best mom you can be on a totally empty battery.

14. Self advocacy is important.

I had no choice but to be my daughter’s fiercest advocate. If I didn’t speak up, who would? In learning to be her advocate, I also learned how to be my own.

15. It’s my job to teach her, not to force her.

I’ve learned that my job as her parent is to teach her right from wrong. It’s my job to teach her how to say please and thank you, to teach her colors, shapes, and English. But it’s not my job to force her to do anything. She’s going to be her own person. I think learning this sooner rather than later will save me a lot of heart ache in the future. Teaching her, giving her boundaries to keep her safe and give her security, that’s my job. Forcing her to be anyone or do anything else is not my business.

xxoo,

Samm

Natural Homemade Baby Wipes

DIY, family, motherhood

One of the first products I replaced in my home was baby wipes. Temen frequently got diaper rashes from her antibiotics, which made her hate diaper changes with a burning (literally) passion. I had already dipped my toes in the cleaner home waters, so I thought maybe the chemicals in her wipes were hurting her. Or, at the very least, maybe they weren’t hurting her – but they weren’t helping her.

I found that Pampers Baby Wipes contained:

Fragrance I have conflicting feelings about this. When the term “fragrance” is used on a label, it indicates a combination of nearly 3,000 fragrant ingredients. This label is really just a possible way to slip some nasty things in there, because companies aren’t required to disclose what is included in fragrance. You don’t know if it’s synthetic or natural fragrances, and it often includes harmful phthalates. Because of this, when you see the label “fragrance” it could contain possible carcinogens or allergens. I allow fragrance in my Mrs. Meyers products because they’ve publicly said it does not include phthalates, but even then, I am still trying to remove Mrs. Meyers products from my home. (We’re down to Mrs. Meyers dish soap, hand soap, and hand lotion in bathroom and kitchen.)
Phenoxyethanol This is a synthetic preservative, not found in natural extracts. It’s listed as a possible skin irritation and potential neurotoxin. In 2006 the FDA even said that Phenoxyethanol is toxic to infants because it can depress the central nervous system and may cause vomiting and diarrhea, which can lead to dehydration. Many countries and regulatory agencies have this as either prohibited or ‘limit use’.

So here’s what I did. I decided not to use it anymore! Better to be safe than sorry, I made my own baby wipes with ingredients that I know are totally safe, non-toxic, and likely to help her diaper rash because of the coconut oil and another little helper.

Homemade Natural Baby Wipes

Natural, homemade baby wipes that soothe diaper rash and keep your baby's tush toxin free.

Total Time 10 minutes

Ingredients

1 Air tight container
1 Paper towel roll, cut in half
1 cup Water
1 tbsp Organic Coconut Oil
1 tbsp Dr. Bronners Castile Soap
5 drops Lavender Essential Oil

Instructions

Boil water.
Once boiling, remove from heat and add coconut oil.
Stir to melt.
Once melted, add castile soap and essential oils.
Stir.
Cut paper towel roll in half.
Remove center cardboard.
Place paper towel roll in air tight container.
Once water, coconut oil, castile soap, and essential oil has cooled down, pour over paper towel roll slowly.
Place cover, enjoy!

Recipe Notes

It’s honestly so easy. In fact, I whipped up a batch this morning before work. And if you knew me, you’d know I usually wake up about fifteen minutes before I have to be out the door! (Sleep is too good.)

Helpful tips:

I use natural paper towels as often as I can, and Young Living’s essential oils. Per my research, they are the purest and most trustworthy/unadulterated oils. When I’m rubbing that on my baby’s bottom I’m not going to take any chances! (You can sign up to be a Young Living member HERE.)
These last two weeks before you should ditch them, but we use them in about a week so haven’t had any issues with that.
Typically, this recipe costs us just under two cents a wipe when we use the full paper towel size, which is just a little bit cheaper than Kirkland, and most definitely cheaper than others. When we use select-a-size, it’s obviously even more affordable!

I mark Lavender essential oil as optional, but in our house it’s a total must. It calms Temen’s tush, supports her emotionally (we’ve seen a dramatic change in her at night after we started using lavender in her routine), it’s also been proven to support your urinary tract and circulation. So, we use it. But you can see what works for you, maybe it’s lavender, maybe it’s something else, or maybe it’s nothing.

There you have it – homemade baby wipes! And here’s a little secret: I use this recipe as a base for my face wipes too.

xxoo,

Samm

Career Concessions

career, motherhood

Women are told on a regular basis that we can do whatever we want, and that we can have it all. I call bullshit. There are seasons in every woman’s life where she’s successfully balancing all aspects of her life, sure. But preaching that “women can do it all!” seems disingenuous when there are so many caveats attached to it. It’s nothing but nice words when the women who are able to have it all come from a place of serious privilege. Speaking for myself, I cannot do it all. I cannot successfully manage my career and family life (and forget about friends!) while nursing a kid who is always sick.

Mediocrity it is.

If I stay late at work, I’m not at home to nurse my baby. If I go home at a reasonable hour, I don’t get all my work done. Thankfully this legislative session at work (at least before my leave) was relatively chill, it didn’t require a lot of late nights. But staying late would have been nice to catch up on work and get my head above water in a role that was completely new to me.

Even if I wasn’t nursing, and even if Temen was totally and completely healthy, I still don’t believe I could successfully balance both realms of my life. Temen is my daughter, my blood, my responsibility. I can’t come home at 7:00PM every night and just not be there for her. I wouldn’t be able to fulfill my duty as a parent to teach her and to guide her, and to give her that stability of knowing her mom is there when she needs me.

Before having Temen, I was super career focused. For good or for bad, I got a lot (all) of my confidence from my work. I prided myself on being a hard worker, someone who went the extra mile, a quick study. Having a high risk pregnancy and a chronically ill baby has changed that. It’s changed that dramatically. I’m waiting to fall into a season of balance again, but I don’t know when that will be and that’s emotionally difficult for me.

In the meantime, I did one of the hardest things I’ve had to do career-wise. I told my boss I couldn’t manage their re-election campaign, a campaign I’ve been looking forward to for years. In fact, I can’t run any campaign this cycle. And that kills me. It kills me to my core. But it’s a concession I need to make for my family and, primarily, for my daughter. She has a network of doctors and nurses who know her, her case, and are the best of the best in their respective fields. And that network of people are all covered under my insurance. Sure, we could switch her to my husband’s, but her doctor’s wouldn’t all be covered the way they are now. And her upcoming surgery (October or November) wouldn’t have the same coverage as it does under my insurance.

I turned down five or six job offers in preparation and expectation that I would run my boss’s re-elect. Offers that, to be honest, were super enticing. I love campaigning. Campaigns are fast paced, crazy, exciting, scary, and just amazing. I find my groove on campaigns. I am good at campaigning. But, I can’t this cycle. I can’t, because I have to prioritize my daughter and my family right now.

That’s hard. And honestly, it will set back my career. Taking off an entire cycle (I’ll still work on the official side) really hurts me and my chances for working as senior staff for a campaign in 2020. Not to be dramatic, but because of this set back and our financial needs, it might mean I’m just through with campaigns.

While I was pregnant I would express these concerns to my friends in politics. Everyone, mostly men, told me not to worry about it. They would tell me that it wasn’t the ’60’s anymore, etc. Why? Because we keep being told that women can have it all. Again and again and again we are told this, and then it becomes expected of us. But it’s a lie, and we need to stop telling women they can have it all. Some women can, but most really can’t be as successful in their career as they would like as a mom – or as present a mom they want to be with a successful career. Without the nannies, the financial flexibility, the flexibility at work (and I have a lot), the supportive spouse, the household help, etc, it’s all bullshit.

We’re all just doing our best, and we all make choices. Women have more opportunity than ever, but in an effort to create a more equal world we shouldn’t make anyone believe they should be doing more than what they are capable of. No one should be ashamed for not having it all. If we truly want women to have it all, there needs to be a campaign of equal strength telling men that they too are capable of making dinner and child rearing.

I’m tired and mediocre. I’m a working mom.

It sucks.

xxoo,

Samm

15 Things my daughter taught me in 15 months

Natural Homemade Baby Wipes