Dysfunctional Ever After

Let’s get crunchy

Temen got sick and I got anxious. I felt hopeless. I felt like I wasn’t in control, and that I had no say in her health. I was spinning and so was my anxiety. With a suppressed immune system due to her prophylactic antibiotics, she ALWAYS had a cold.

So I started cleaning. And cleaning. And cleaning. It was a way for me to get my anxiety out and a way to keep bad germs away. I couldn’t fix her kidneys, but I can make her environment as germ free as possible for her.

It helped me feel in control. That is, until I found myself refusing to clean with her around because of the chemicals. I didn’t want her playing on the floor after I washed it… because of the chemicals. I was airing out the kitchen, airing out the upstairs, to get the smell of the chemicals out of the house.

Photo by Sarah Dorweiler, Evano Community (link: https://evano.community)

If I’m so committed to keeping my house clean for the health of my family, how did that make sense? Germs are bad, but so are toxic chemicals. Right? So I read ingredients on the cleaning supplies I was using. I researched chemicals. What I found was first and foremost terrifying, but it gave me power. It equipped me with the knowledge to make the best decisions for my family.

I know what is in our house now – and it’s not toxic chemicals that disrupt your endocrine system. I don’t have to air out my house after I clean, or worry about Temen walking on the ground after I clean it. I don’t have to worry about Lola licking her paws after walking on the floor and ingesting harsh chemicals.

These are decisions that directly impact the health of our family. I can do my part to protect her endocrine system and MAYBE, just maybe, help prevent her from having the same hormonal and infertility issues I’ve had. That is powerful.

So, I guess what I’m saying is that I’m going to be sharing how I’ve made my household cleaner with you. Because this has quickly become a passion of mine, and I want to share it with everyone! I want to talk about chemicals in Windex, your dish soap, etc, and what I use instead. I want to talk about what I’ve tried, what’s worked, and what hasn’t.

Temen got sick, and then I got smart. I can’t fix her kidneys, but you bet your ass I’m going to do everything I can to keep her healthy and safe.

xxoo,

Samm

Career Concessions

career, motherhood

Women are told on a regular basis that we can do whatever we want, and that we can have it all. I call bullshit. There are seasons in every woman’s life where she’s successfully balancing all aspects of her life, sure. But preaching that “women can do it all!” seems disingenuous when there are so many caveats attached to it. It’s nothing but nice words when the women who are able to have it all come from a place of serious privilege. Speaking for myself, I cannot do it all. I cannot successfully manage my career and family life (and forget about friends!) while nursing a kid who is always sick.

Mediocrity it is.

If I stay late at work, I’m not at home to nurse my baby. If I go home at a reasonable hour, I don’t get all my work done. Thankfully this legislative session at work (at least before my leave) was relatively chill, it didn’t require a lot of late nights. But staying late would have been nice to catch up on work and get my head above water in a role that was completely new to me.

Even if I wasn’t nursing, and even if Temen was totally and completely healthy, I still don’t believe I could successfully balance both realms of my life. Temen is my daughter, my blood, my responsibility. I can’t come home at 7:00PM every night and just not be there for her. I wouldn’t be able to fulfill my duty as a parent to teach her and to guide her, and to give her that stability of knowing her mom is there when she needs me.

Before having Temen, I was super career focused. For good or for bad, I got a lot (all) of my confidence from my work. I prided myself on being a hard worker, someone who went the extra mile, a quick study. Having a high risk pregnancy and a chronically ill baby has changed that. It’s changed that dramatically. I’m waiting to fall into a season of balance again, but I don’t know when that will be and that’s emotionally difficult for me.

In the meantime, I did one of the hardest things I’ve had to do career-wise. I told my boss I couldn’t manage their re-election campaign, a campaign I’ve been looking forward to for years. In fact, I can’t run any campaign this cycle. And that kills me. It kills me to my core. But it’s a concession I need to make for my family and, primarily, for my daughter. She has a network of doctors and nurses who know her, her case, and are the best of the best in their respective fields. And that network of people are all covered under my insurance. Sure, we could switch her to my husband’s, but her doctor’s wouldn’t all be covered the way they are now. And her upcoming surgery (October or November) wouldn’t have the same coverage as it does under my insurance.

I turned down five or six job offers in preparation and expectation that I would run my boss’s re-elect. Offers that, to be honest, were super enticing. I love campaigning. Campaigns are fast paced, crazy, exciting, scary, and just amazing. I find my groove on campaigns. I am good at campaigning. But, I can’t this cycle. I can’t, because I have to prioritize my daughter and my family right now.

That’s hard. And honestly, it will set back my career. Taking off an entire cycle (I’ll still work on the official side) really hurts me and my chances for working as senior staff for a campaign in 2020. Not to be dramatic, but because of this set back and our financial needs, it might mean I’m just through with campaigns.

While I was pregnant I would express these concerns to my friends in politics. Everyone, mostly men, told me not to worry about it. They would tell me that it wasn’t the ’60’s anymore, etc. Why? Because we keep being told that women can have it all. Again and again and again we are told this, and then it becomes expected of us. But it’s a lie, and we need to stop telling women they can have it all. Some women can, but most really can’t be as successful in their career as they would like as a mom – or as present a mom they want to be with a successful career. Without the nannies, the financial flexibility, the flexibility at work (and I have a lot), the supportive spouse, the household help, etc, it’s all bullshit.

We’re all just doing our best, and we all make choices. Women have more opportunity than ever, but in an effort to create a more equal world we shouldn’t make anyone believe they should be doing more than what they are capable of. No one should be ashamed for not having it all. If we truly want women to have it all, there needs to be a campaign of equal strength telling men that they too are capable of making dinner and child rearing.

I’m tired and mediocre. I’m a working mom.

It sucks.

xxoo,

Samm